Mother, Why Is It That I Feel This Way About You?

Recently my mother called and as she was talking, I felt like I was on the outside looking in. That was the same feeling I had when I was a child. She was going on and on about her Will, placing my younger sisters as second executors to my aunt.

Everything in me was silently crying out: “I’m the oldest. Why them? Why haven’t I been included?” I felt the sting of hurt. I felt overlooked and rejected all over again. Just for a moment, though. My mother is 81. When we were kids because I didn’t give any trouble I was often overlooked. I felt invisible.

I thought mothers didn’t have favorites. I can remember being my grandmother’s favorite and how even at 5 years old I knew it was wrong to have favorites among children. Whatever my grandmother attempted to give me I shared with my sisters and brother.

I don’t live in their city. I have not lived nearby for a lot of years. I am not considered during holidays, or special occasions. There is never a suggestion to visit with me, it’s always focused on my sisters, or my brother. They have never gotten in the car and just drove to my house to spend time with me.

There are some things in life you can’t change, and I guess that is one of them. My mother is who she is and if because I am at a distance she does not recognize what I deserve from her as my mother, then what can I do? It’s been like this all of my life.

After all of the emotions come and go, I find my peace in knowing my God cares about me. That is the hope that floods my thoughts, my heart and my being. If it was not for this relationship, I would be filled with anger, hate and revenge.

My mother thinks hand feeding my sisters and brothers and allowing them to depend on her, being there for them, is love, but I have learned that real love is not about whether people love you, treat you with respect, do anything for you; real love is when you are overlooked and feel rejected, or abandoned, that you can still keep a relationship with the one who has not treated you fairly.

I thank God that I can still feel emotions that challenge who I have become in HIM, that those emotions make up who I am, as well. Oh, to feel the vulnerability of your transformation and still find strength many would not understand.

My prayer: “Father, I have surrendered all to you. I ask you to keep me in the cleft of your wings, close to your bosom; let no hurt or harm overtake me; give me the right spirit and the right mind. In Jesus Name I Pray. Amen.

Broken relationships revisited (click here).